1 TOILET, MANY SYSTERNS!

OR that oh so sweet burning sensation




by jack and jill, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondents for No.1 & 2 affairs

(Systern - a new manglish word derived from system + cistern, meaning a dysfunctional system that stinks to high heaven!)

(click on pics for enlarged view. all pics unashamedly lifted from www without payment)

It was a week when PM 6-Star General (Retd) Rosemajib was too bogged down with budgetary concerns to announce yet another much awaited ‘1... something’ to galvanize national unity. As much awaited as another bout of swine, bovine or avian induced pandemic flu or virus!

But the poor nation was not spared any relief as certain “Educationists”, venerated as “Playboy centrefold enthusiasts” and “Captains of Industry”, celebrated as “Glocal Fraudtrepreneurs”, sprung up like the malodorous waftings from the bucket system jambans of yore sneaking up on unsuspecting brilliantly planned and aligned downwind constructed housing estates, to fill in the much desired vacuum.

Even as the national education systern lay in tatters, these Educationists (Playboy centerfold enthusiasts) had surfaced fom deep within the bowels of the Ministry of Education and with pin point accuracy identified the real cause of deteriorating academic standards, performances and polarisation in schools and institutions of higher learning!

It was boldly declared that the indisputable primary cause of 40 years of decline of the New Education Systern (a new Genius Book of Records entry) was that headpersons, teachers and students were introduced too early to separate streaming practices. They were prematurely pressed onto to the creaking tiles of a systern that could not cope with the steamy wanton deposit of such youthful human wastage and exertions! National disunity was in array; wrongly engendered by having ‘His” and ‘Her” toilet systerns.

Chief spokesperson for the ‘1 Nation, 1 Systern’ movement, Dr. John Mary Shanks (PhD in Anal Retention and Pileates Techniques) was hopeful the nation would accommode this new initiative of 1 common toilet systern for all sexes, staff and students in schools, colleges and universities.

He gushed that previously elitist male members would now have the tools, avenues, locations and opportunities to breach the gaps that now exists with female students and that divides headpersons, teachers and students, for all time, i.e. the “crap trap amber stream claptrap” mindset would be flushed away down the toilet tubes forever.

However, moon faced Ustaz Saddam Ahmadinejad Obasama from Jalan Tandas, PJ, put the proverbial spanner in the works before the Minister of Education could pass motion in Parliament, by observing that the matter would have to be re-examined by the religious authorities vis-a-vis close proximity among the sexes rules!

Elsewhere, 1Nation champion, PM 6-Star General (Retd) Rosemajib informed the nation from the majestic Sri Kakus hotel:

"We have a Master Plan in the pipeline. We have oreddy placed a man on the big job. It shall be none other than Gen (ret'd) Dato Bloo Boy, who will head a Super Quango Toilet Task Force with a $ billion budget. Dato BB also brings with him many years of seat warming as Chairman of SPLAT Ltd. (Standard Patents for Latrines for Army Training ). He shall be ably assisted by our very own Datin Chew May Dove Dettol from the MsEconomicPlanningUnit@gov.con . Datin, formerly Chief Operating Officer of SLASH Plc (Standard Latrines and Automated Shit Houses) has a certified E@cons PhD scroll and brings with her loads and buckets of experience in General Education AND solid & liquid waste systerns! We shall leave no chain unpulled, stool unseated or tissue unrecycled to get to the bottom of the problem! All deposits will be fully guaranteed by our Central Bank and MoF! The full report will be out by the later of 2020 and the Mars manned landing! "

In the ‘dog eat turd’ world of commerce and business, Robert WC Macanus, Chairman, CEO, MD, Chief Bog Officer, Chief Operating Officer, General Manager and Financial Controller of Grevious Bodily Harm Plc (GBH), the nation’s leading ceramic toilet bowls makers, made a voluntary, but hostile General Offer (GO) to take the company private. Macanus had visionary plans to restructure GBH and then re-launch it on a Glocal scale.

“Squatters of the world, beware. You rest on your haunches at your own peril! The mighty Throne shall have new worthy ass! We aim to establish GBH as the King of the Khazi. Come out of your water closets. Uncross your knees. Don't get your silk panties and Hing's underpants in a twist. There is relief for that oh so sweet burning sensation!” Macanus boasted, cheeks flushed red with excitement!

“Our crack squad of experts have looked into every nook and cranny. WE have left no toilet seat unturned. We have re-designed the colons, entrails and sphincters of the plumbing works to suit every and all tastes. Our revolutionary engineers have come up with a silent ball and cock flush system much approved by the Japanese. More incredibly, the systern has an embedded chip to which you can download your favorite music which will be automatically activated as you position yourself over or on the bowl so as to camouflage unpleasant bodily function noises from being heard by outsiders. Never before has discretion married excretion with only the customer's holistic comfort in mind!

Pucker out as you get transported by the heavenly strains of Tcharkofi’s “Nutcracker Balltz”, Vagner’s “Brown Ring of Fire”, Holst’s “Uranus, the Magician", The Jarmel’s “A Little Bit of Soap” or Frank Zappa’s “Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?” as the mood and expansive movements suit you!!

Orders are trickling in even before our official launch! Come visit us if you have a pressing engagement or need to plug the leak. Spoil youself as you release!” Macanus waxed lyrical.

Chief GBH PR spindoctor, Ms.Trine La’ Trine Max2ply of ‘Lion, Slash and Burn’em Ad Agency’ from Geneva, Switzerland, rolled out GBH’s forthcoming promotion blitz campaign, starting with the ‘Bombay International Long Marathon Runs’, completely sponsored by Chilli Chicken Tikka MacCurry Fastfoods of Ipoh Road Plc and its wholly owned subsidiary, Sentul Slowfoods Fire Curry House. The assault to conquer Europe shall be launched in the Blue Powder Room Boudoir at the Loo Museum in gay Paris, France, where as of RSVP’s today, standing room only is available!

Meanwhile, local protest groups “We Give John Squat Lah”, led by Shaft Jambanatham of Batang Berjuntai Rubber Estates, and “No Standing Room Jane” led by Dotty (Dorothy) Potty of upmarket Bigbangdutakennydamanshires G&G Community (gated and guarded by dysentry) assembled in large numbers at the Ipoh Old Town Outhouse White Coffe Kopi Thiam & Tea Restaurant in Jalan Kenching off Jalan Duta . ALL wore BLACK T-shirts emblazoned with highly amusing and witty slogans such as:

Who arse dem?

Big shit, no chief!

Me Jane sit. You Tarzan stand. Fido go find lamp post.

Eat shit. A billion flies can’t be wrong, can they?

Boycott shampoo. Ask for the real poo!

I get more ass than a toilet seat.

Look up. My eyes are not on my chest!

I’m dyslexic. Tihs happens.

Mrs. Chan, lose 20 kg in a week. Eat less, shit more!

Faced with such a spontaneous outpouring of peaceful and quiet dissent, not to mention distasteful mass quaffing of watered down syrupy vanilla or caramel drowned coffee and tea falsely touted as latte, mocha and Earl Grey at $10 ++ a shot, the authorities had no alternative. The PEOPLE could not be permitted to assemble AND have fun as well! God forbid that this might unite them as a nation!

They assembled their water cannons and opened fire with pepper and chemically laced water. The coffee and tea immediately tasted infinitely better! They splashed left and right and over and under wetting everyone and leaving huge, steamy puddles of water in the potholes on the sidewalks and roads. Teary and red eyed protesters ran hither and thither in blind confusion. Soon it became a farce as thousand more joined in for the free wet-t shirt ogling opportunity. Thus was born the 1 Nation, 1 Toilet, 1 Systern, 1 Free Wet T-shirt Day (buy1, free1)!

Many protesters, taken to court and charged with illegal assembly and of being a threat to national security, pleaded “It’s a bum rap! We are going to counter sewer the authorities!”

“You are in deep shit and you make mind-boggling jokes? That's execrable!” warned Attorney General Lord Brown Tongue as he protested with tongue in cheek sarcasm to Chief Justice Lord Brownnose.

Bidet as it may, as the news filtered out in drips and drabs, life bombed on in 1 Nation. 1 Nation, bound as it was in chains and hastily covered as it was in scotch taped pristine bubble-wrap undisturbed and in as mint a condition as the day it left the desk of the highest office in..........

donplaypuks® with the power of the Throne, man!

ps how many 'toilet' references can you count above?

Why did Capt. James Kirk of the Enterprise buy a million toilet rolls? To fight the Klingons circling Uranus!

What is the similarity between the Vulcan, Spock, and Toilet Duck? They both battle Klingons!

What did 1 toilet say to another? - Something wrong dear? You look so white and all flushed out.

CLUELESS CLUEDO!

by sherlock pornthip roja,
donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for inquest affairs













October got off on the wrong foot with the failure to award the Noble Pissed-off Prize to Bush or Ex-Master Jedi Sith Lord of The Realm Maha Rama Firaun The 1^st. Instead, it went to the greenhorn, Obama!

Bush was pissed off because he could not declare, like they do sychophantically in relevant fashion after every Olympic Games and World Cup soccer, that “it was the best Presidency ever!” After all, Bush placed American presence and their war machinery so that they could fight for peace everywhere. A bit like “fucking to restore virginity” weren’t it? Obama had grabbed the Noble Pissed-off Prize for the mere whiff of a promise of an iota of peace. He had then immediately sat down with the warmongering rabid generals and spinmasters to see how they could increase real USA troop numbers in Iraq and Afghanistan and not seem to be in conflict with his earlier presidential campaign promise to pull out by yesterday!! Let’s not even start asking about closing down Gitmo by year end.

Ex-Master Jedi Sith Lord of The Realm Maha Rama Firaun The 1^st and his band of “we want the old corrupt ways back, not the new” breast-beaters and back-whippers also predictably responded with a plan to host an international seminar to criminalise war. Their real agenda is to bring to book Bush and Blair who admittedly, lied to the world about WMD’s (Weapons of Mass Destruction) to justify their oil grab putsch! Firaun and his sycophants had also ranted with the ususal over-worn cliche that 'history is written by the victors' and demanded that Churchill and Truman be indicted for the destruction of Dresden and Hisroshima/Nagasaki diring Word War 2.

It isn’t as though had the world had an Earth War Criminal Act in 1939, Hitler or Hirohito would have meekly backed off to retire to interior decoration and skewering porpoises as life-long hobbies. It is really a kind of mental deficiency, nay, congental idiocy, that can demand Churchill be brought to book for carpet bombing Dresden and Truman for nuking Hiroshima/Nagasaki, while ignoring the historical truths about who started WW2 and would not halt or surrender.

Out of an estimated 80 million civilian and miltary deaths in WW2, some 80% or 64 million were from the ALLIES!! And Maha Firaun thinks Churchill, Truman and Stalin should have gone crawling on their knees to Hitler and Hirohito to beg for peace or invoke Marquesse of Queensbury Rules to resolve the global conflict? If ever there were two cases at one time for genicode by universal consent, it was there in 1945! Thank God we don’t have to “Seig Heil” and salute to “Mein Feuhrer” or sing the Japanese National Anthem, Kamigayo:

“May the reign of the Emperor
continue for a thousand, nay, eight thousand generations
and for the eternity that it takes
for small pebbles to grow into a great rock
and become covered with moss.”

or bow fawningly like craven, spineless rabbits to the portrait of the Japanese Emperor and flag, as our parents had to all those years ago. Sometimes the end does justify the means!

At other times some just don’t seem to have a clue.

In a game of Cluedo, you could, in the early stages take a wild stab and declare:

“The vicar did it with the maid on top of the washing machine in the laundry room with the candle holder”

and be forced to withdraw such a cockamanie assertion to howls of derisive hoots and laughter.

But say, in real life, you had fifteen witnesses who swore under oath and testified at a Royal Commission of Inquiry (RCI) they all saw Chief Justice Lord Shaftesbury shoot Jeeves the butler in his family jewels area with his snub-nose 7 inch .38 as Jeeves was inflagranti delicto shafting Lady Shaftesbury on the dining table in the grand ball room last Tuesday. Now what sort of moral or legal dilemma could this pose to investigating oficer PC Plod or for the matter, the Attorney General, Ganesh Patel, that they should shelve the case as ‘No Further Action’ (NFA) claiming witnesses could not be located or incredibly, that “No crime has been committed!!”

Or let’s take the case of a two-bit actress suspected of being asexually involved with the married son of an infamous politician who is also her employer, much to the disgust of a cosmopolitan society with small town mentality. Then one fine day, the actress dies in her hospital bed in the emergency ward of a government hospital, stinking of poisonous, foul “kumquat juice”. Many samples of blood, body fluids and tissues of the actress mysteriously vanish from the hospital laboratory. The most honourable doctor, and they are all honourable doctors are they not, Chief MO waives the requirement for a mandatory autopsy even though the police had handed him the requisite legal order and forms. The family members all agree with great grief and concern but indecent haste that their beloved kin’s body should be incinerated at once, pronto.

Should we claim victory in this game of Cluedo and pump our fists up and down in the air while boldly declaring “that bitch actress kammitted swicide by yimbibing poisonous “kumquat juice” from a bottle which has mysteriously disappeared while she was all alone at her palatial apartment bought and paid for by the married son of an infamous politician with whom she was having an asexual platonic affair”?

A certain coroner did just that!!

Increasingly, the dead victim becomes the accused.

A young man with no previous criminal record is alleged to have been involved in a car theft ring after he is declared dead while in police custody. Eleven officers are initially suspended from work. A pathologist claims “death by water in the lungs.” A 2^nd pathologist rules “ death by internal bleeding arising from severe beating of the kidneys with a blunt instrument.” A single officer is charged with causing “grevious bodily harm.”

Another young man, called in as a witness to assist investigators is found dead, flung out to 9 floors below from the office windows of his interrogators. The stunning prognosis is sudden suicide! All the officers had gone home, leaving three total strangers alone in their office for hours. They say. Someone heard a single loud exclamation – “You!” - from the victim and another person’s meeting in the toilet. A bloody row, motive for murder. They say. He was involved in corrupt acts. They say. But he only had $3,000 in his bank account. Not exactly the sign of a billion $ Wall St. scam artist was it? Ah, he was depressed because he only had $3,000 for his marriage. That’s why he committed suicide. They say. But why commit suicide in some strange place like that if he’d had a friendly tea-party session with his interrogators? Well, ssh! His fiance was expecting. More depression. They say. But he’d asked his best friend to be his best man at the wedding. Would a depressed person be plannning a grand wedding? Oh, we discharged him at 3 a.m.. They say. But then why was his handphone and car keys not returned to him? Why was his car still in the car park? After all, he was a witness, not a suspect as you swore? Why was he still in your office at 6 a.m. if he was discharged at 3 a.m.?

Oh, something suspicious was going on between him and his house mate or otw why would he stay with her and her family in a rented house. The universe might want to know, they say. You have proof of an affair? We never said anyone had an affair. They say. No sign of foul play. The government pathologists say. But all the signs are ther. Fractured skull, anal tear, contusions and strangulations are there. She says! Oh, paid to testify. They say.

Increasingly, the dead are challenged to defend themselves against scurrilous allegations which the authorities never intend to or can prove. Every stone is left unturned and cemented over to protect the very people who are supposedly there to protect the weak from the excesses of the strong and mighty.

Once more we live in dangerous times. Once more we need a Churchill, Ghandhi, Mandela or King to deliver us from organized evil which will snuff lives with the impunity and ease with which one might snap a dry twig underfoot.

donplaypuks® with my inquests, man!

AGEN OO$$$ (licensed to plunder state and/or federal coffers at will) STRIKES AGAIN

or “all for one, everything for one”

or “from ‘Mongolia With Love”

or “a day in the life of PM 6-Star General (Retd) Maha Rosemajib’s Gulag”

by shaken and stirred martini, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for undercover activities




The encrypted coded message was written in a language known only to S&M (Sains & Maths) graduates roped into the local education system. Manglish! It was hacked into and decrypted by RPK Extranet Agency (operating from somewhere in Brisbane, Mars or maybe Peace Hill Resort) using a Marsenne Prime Number algorithm comprising some 13 million digits. The usual SD (Statutory Declaration) was attached to the message. The startling secret relevation read:

“OMG! Aiyoh! Shiok lah! Agen OO$$$ (licensed to plunder state and/or federal coffers at will) planted oreddy in Board of Directors of Natoilcon one. Firs billion $ consultancy contract for electric car out by tomorrow. Firs 10% commission deal cons-firm next week with new billions of $ F1 sponsorship. All exclusive to Athos, Pathos, Aramis Con-sultans, tagline, “all for one, everything for one!” That’s mean snouts to the gravy train for warlords.

CEO H.American got no goolies to quit. Talk big ony. Think we scaredy cat his protector, former Sith Jedi Master of the Realm, Rama Maha Firaun the First who is also Natoilcon’s (sleeping snake oil) advisor. Simply threaten ony. Now we show him whose d real boss! We will wreck havoc! We will mix ConRon93 (previously ConRon95) oil with cow’s head juice. Not only will we whack the PEOPLE with a hidden 10% petrol price increase but also get a crazy religious movement out of it for a barrel of laughs! Lol !!

Next, IMHO, we buy over car agency SPAM (Sigma Prothon Atom Motors) for $1 and sell to Thony F, AP Motors and F1 for $10 billion. After all, SPAM is operationally losing millions, propped up by hundreds of millions of $ of bailout money thinly disguised as Govt ‘R&D’ grants. The ony thing they are R&D’ing is an additional ashtray at the back for their new old models and getting ready for tsunamic Retrenchment and Doomsday!! Can or not? Leave details to me. We have friends in MV Augusta and GEVI SpA in Italy and former Aunty Maybang commission beneficiaries of Indon bank acquisition fiasco, to finance us. ROTFLATWTDBank!!

Btw, open new bank account where ah?

P&C. For Eyes Only. Top, Top and Bottom, Bottom Secret!! Please cfm by sms when message received!

Sil Baginda Tuya (triple degree holder from Havoxbridge University, Wisma Havoxbridge). END OF MESSAGE.”

PM 6-Star General (Retd) Maha Rosemajib was furious. Who had leaked the email sent via a secret hotgoohoo account? He immediately sms’d chief top cop I Raja Polis and ordered a top secret internal investigation and inquiry to track down the criminals who had perpetrated this heinous millionth breach of the Official Secrets Act, so tight was national security!

You would have thought PM 6-Star General (Retd) Maha Rosemajib would have had Crack Cybertroops from the national agency to pounce on the cyber leakers. But after failing to track down previous OSA email leaks and SD’s by RPK Extranet Agency, his faith in them was shaken to the core processors. Some had accused them of being so lazy they would not empty the recycle bins on their computers!

So, in true local style, the PM trebled their budget, doubled their staff strength reduced their KPI (Key Performance Index) by half. They were talked into reluctantly taking a $5 million off-budget ‘study cum visit’ trip to Disneyland California with a week’s stopover for bellydancing at Casablanca, Morocco, to revitalise sagging spirits. Figuratively speaking, of course, since consumption of spirits was strictly forbidden locally, and offenders, especially the female of the species, could be publicly caned for contravening ancient laws and customs!

I Raja Polis immediately sms’d back that he would leave no stone, boulder, barrel or oilwell unturned. His investigators were confident they would be able to press charges by 2020, working at their standard KPI of 150% efficiency, which was the highest in the region (as defined by Liberia, Nigeria, Somalia and nearby countries)!

PM 6-Star General (Retd) Maha Rosemajib immediately turned his attention to other matters in his in-tray. So little to do and so much time.

Yes, it’s him. No, not him. Yes. No. No. Yes. Youth politician convicted of money politics. Voted in as Youth Chief. Chief Minister convicted of money politics. Voted in as Chief Minister. Why discriminate against Ex-chief Minister convicted of money politics? Good lord! Are they crazy? Okay, let’s go with maintaining Internal Security Act (ISA) as our candidate and platform for a hattrick in 9 counties by-elections. That’s my boy!

Next!

TBH (sure sudden suicide one inquiry)? Let’s psychoanalyse the whole family. Maybe one of them will confess to pressurising TBH, by telepathy, into committing suicide by throwing himself out the 14th floor window of the Friendly Society for Corruption. After all the FSC officers had gone home following a very down to earth and friendly interrogation session, leaving TBH alone with some other witnesses!

Next!