4 OF A KIND IN MALAYSIA? TOWER OF BABEL?

by nimrod trump, donplaypuks® intrepid correspondent for tower affairs

Positioned strategically between East and West, the diversity that we celebrate, was inevitable. However, often, we take our origins too seriously.  The political events, especially in 2015, have seen a curtain of gloom descend on us. For that, we must deposit the blame right at the doorsteps of PMO, Putridjaya and PM Grossmajib who wears the pants and her husband who wears the skirts.

So, it's time to lighten up by lampooning the Malays, Chinese Indians and Others.

 

1 Malay will sell nasi lemak by the roadside.

2 Malays will form a co-operative society for deposits and loans repaid by direct deduction from monthly salary.

3 Malays will sit at a warong drinking teh tarik and lament about how dancing the ronggeng and joget is no longer allowed at weddings.

4 Malays will form a political party and get the government to indirectly fund it.

1 Chinese will sell kway teow or some kind of pork noodles.

2 Chinese will play ping pong, mahjong or gamble.

3 Chinese will drink XXO or VSOP brandy and cognac and form a Communist Party.

4 Chinese will form a clan Association, do any kind of business and especially prosper with Ali Baba partners.

1 Indian will sell puttu mayam or thosai.

2 Indians will start a law firm.

3 Indians will form a Union, drink toddy, start a fight and hurl chairs at the AGM and celebrate with line disco dancing with their grandmothers and a whole Tamil village which will for some unexplainable reason, include 12 white scantily bikini-clad Swedish and Norwegian young, shapely female dancers.

4 Indians will start a protection business as oily hired hit-men all dressed in black like Rajni, and use names like ‘Thalaivaa’ ‘Machan’ and ‘Adiyaal’.

1 Sikh will sell milk or chapati.

2 Sikhs will start a money-lending business.

3 Sikhs will drink black label whiskey and dance the Banggara.

4 Sikhs will play hockey or start a protection business as ‘The Turbanators’ armed with hockey sticks.

1 Mamak will sell roti chanai or chendol.

2 Mamaks will start a money-changer business or 1of 500 ‘The One & Only Original Kayu Restaurant’.

3 Mamaks will drink teh tarik and advise the Malays about customs and traditions.

4 Mamaks will form The True Malay National Association political party, and demand they be accorded Bumiputra status.

1 Sri Lankan Tamil will sell Idiyappam (thunderbread) and Sothi .

2 Sri Lankan Tamils will serve the civil service as chief clerks, play cricket and pronounce wickets as 'vickeds'.

3 Sri Lankan Tamils will drink Ceylon Arak, sing Bailas and talk about ‘the good old days in Yaffna and Kolumbu’.

4 Sri Lankan Tamils will join the Tamil Tigers. 


1 Portuguese will sell devilled chicken.

2 Portuguese still live at the Melaka Portuguese Village, and they will tell you there’s no better place in the whole world than back home in Lisbon.

3 Portuguese will form a crooners group singing 1950/60’s numbers and  Harry Belafonte calypso hits at seaside resorts, pretending to be Spanish or Mexican Minstrels.

4 Portuguese will be accorded Bumiputra status.

1 Indon will be a domestic maid.

2 Indons will become sub-contractors for  the entire harvest in a oil palm or rubber estate.

3 Indons will buy Guiness Stout at 7/11 and 4-D tickets at Toto outlets.

4 Indons will become Malaysian Bumiputra and operate a Nasi Padang or Sundanese restaurant.

1 Burmese will work in a hotel, restaurant or food stall and speak in fluent Chinese the day after he/she lands here.

2 Burmese will work in a hotel, restaurant or food stall, greet you with ‘mingalaba’ and tell you there’s no better place in the whole world than back home.

3 Burmese will cook and serve in a hotel,  restaurant or food stall. All the food will taste the same – like cooked cardboard or plywood.

4 Burmese will work in a hotel, restaurant or food stall, claim to be devout Buddhists, get into fights with Rohingyans, and be deported.

1 Thai will be a domestic maid.

2 Thais will serve in a restaurant, say ‘Sawasdi Ka’, and tell you there’s no better place in the whole world than back home.

3 Thais will start a tom yam food stall or Thai Restaurant.

4 Thais will start a foot reflexology spa or girlie bar/massage parlour, or become cross-border hit-men.

1 Filipino will answer your credit card queries at a call centre.

2 Filipinos will serve drinks at a bar, say ‘Mabuhay’, and tell you there’s no better place in the whole world than back home.

3 Filipinos will drink San Miguel beer, dance the Flamenco and talk about invading Sabah, ‘one of our ancestral homes’.

4 Filipinos will start a pop group singing off-key in American accent.

1 Pakistani will start a carpet business and employ a village of uncles, nephews and cousins from Lahore or Karachi.

2 Pakistanis will work as illegal security guards at a G&G residential area, and tell you there’s no better place in the whole world than back home.

3 Pakistanis will marry local or Indon Malays and become Bumiputra. All Pak men look like Bollywood heart-throb movie actors.

4 Pakistanis will start a Tandoori Restaurant or repair PC/laptops in Low Yat Plaza at a superb discount to the extortionate charges by Dell, Apple etc.

1 Bangla will be laid off from a factory job even before he lands at KLIA. He will soon be illegally employed at a local laundry and dry cleaning chain.

2 Banglas will serve in a restaurant, greet you with 'shukria' and tell you there’s no better place in the whole world than back home.

3 Banglas will marry local Malays and become Bumiputra. All Bangla men look like Bollywood heart-throb movie actors.

4 Banglas will work at and supervise a car wash and eventually, own it.

1 Nepali who can’t speak English, Tamil or Hindi, will talk to you in Bahasa.

2 Nepalese will work as legal security guards in a G&G residential area. You will be charged 50% more for Nepali guards. They will tell you there’s no better place in the whole world than back home.

3 Nepalese will soon start a fight over money and loans, get knifed, and be deported home of which there is no better place in the whole world.

4 Nepalese will all have Bahadur or Krishna as their names.


1 MDB will lose $46 billion in assets.

2 MDBs will lose $46 billion in cash.

3 MDBs will lose $46 billion in units.

4 MDBs will lose $46 billion in donations.

1 Grossmajibby will save $2.6 billion donation in her savings bank a/c from the age of 5. It will not be used for her personal benefit.

2 Grossmajibbies will party with Jho Paris Hilton, De Niro, De Caprio and Eddy Murphy and play golf with their buddy Obasama Binladen.

3 Gossmajibbies will own 100 Birkin Bags, one US$24 million diamond ring, 4 $100 million condos in London, NY and Beverly Hills, and amass personal undeclared wealth estimated at at least $10 billion. 

4 Grossmajibbies will have everyone combing world-wide for $multi-billion donations and jobs.


Of course, we should not spare our neighbours from an unknown island immediately across the Johor Causeway:

1 Singiaporean out of 4 will be a Caucasian immigrant, always married to a sarong party girl.

2 Singiaporeans will work for the government, and tell you there’s no better place in the whole world than back home in Malaysia.

3 Singiaporeans will be kiasu Chinese who work for the government, and say they are not racist, but complain ‘why are there so many ang-moh/gwai loh citizens here’?

4 Singiaporeans will form a GRC representing no one, but will work for the government.

Or, the Nigerians and Arabs. 
  
1 Nigerian, jobless Richard Odungu Mbodo, age 25 and faking to be white Richard Remington Steel III (Darling Dick) from Knightsbridge, London will sweet-talk 55-year old spinster-teacher Kak Minah from Kampong Attap in Alor Setar on the ‘Lonely Hearts’ internet chat room to send him her entire life’s savings of $250,000 so that they could live happily ever after, apart. This is the ‘Black Dick Good, White Dick Lagi Bes’ Nigerian scam, under section 419 of the Penile Code.

2 Nigerians, jobless George Washington Bang Dollah and Benjamin Franklin Shaft Naira, can turn millions of blackened US$ notes into usable  money with chemicals, for RM50,000. This is the ‘Nigerian Black Is Beautiful’ cash scam.

3 Nigerians, age 45 and jobless, will register for a Business Degree course at a local private Uni, and the Immigration Department will issue them student visas, no questions asked. Many believe the Nigerians employ Black Magic to fool our officers. This is called the ‘Nigerian $5,000 Jujuberry Backhander Voodoo Scam’. 

4 Nigerians, jobless, will be the most generous people on earth who can’t seem to give away their totally legal $100 million inheritance for a “small” $20,000 fee to cover legal and admin expenses. These poor Nigerians have to waste so much of their time deleting all the email pleas they send out and remain unanswered. This is called the ‘Nigerian 419 Scam’ after Section 419 of the Penal Code.

1 Arab will always be called Abdool or Achmet, and never be lonely as long as he has his camel.

2 Arabs will donate $2.6 billion to PM Najib who will not use 1 cent of it for his personal benefit. This is a story told in Chapter 46MDB of the 'The Arabian Tales' titled 'Ali Baba And His Forty Serially Lying Thieves'.

3 Arabs in white robes and their wives, in full black ones, will complain about the heat and humidity and maintain that there is no better or cooler place than back home in the desert.

4 Arabs, including Chief Sheikh A Leg, will smoke hookah (sisha) in a street corner cafe and demand the street be named Ain Arab (Arab Street). And our fawning, slithering Mayor and Minister of Federal Territories, the fake Tengku, will both respond with, 'should we have camel tethering posts and watering holes installed as well, O' Great Highnesses?' 

After all, laughter is the best medicine!

Donplaypuks® with the human race, man!